Tories announce tough new regime of 30-second half-hearted apologies for serious crimes

Pride's Purge

(satire?)

In the lead-up to the next election, the Tories have vowed to clamp-down on crime in a new criminal justice bill which will introduce tough new penalties and punishments including half-hearted 30-second apologies in public for serious crimes such as theft and fraud.

The new criminal justice and courts bill published by Justice Secretary Chris Grayling on Wednesday, contains a range of punitive measures to reform sentencing, ranging from grudging, insincere 10-second lame excuses for less serious offences to tough 30-second superficial apologies for repeat offenders.

The tough new measures include:

  • lacklustre 10-second confessions for kidnapping of public funds
  • perfunctory 15-second expressions of regret for daylight robbery of voters
  • tepid 20-second lame excuses for burglary of taxpayers
  • apathetic 30-second atonements for fraudulent expenses claims

The punitive tone of the bill comes just days after Tory culture secretary Maria Miller courted controversy by suggesting in the House of Commons that no mercy should be shown to repeat offenders…

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